From: The UN General Assembly
To: The Syrian Rebels
Thank you for all your query letters and annexed material (although you could have toned some of the accompanying video footage down a bit we think – especially all the kids stuff: We would like to remind you that some of our members are represented by women). We have now discussed your plea and here’s what we have come up with:
We’ll send you this immediately:
- Twelve containers of diverse surgeon and medical equipment (No CAT scanners and such since you rightly point out the problems with stable power supply)
- Several dozen medical personnel to assist in the camps outside Syria (as you so rightly underscore on pages 87 through 987, inside Syria, people risk being shot at any moment.)
- Enough water for everyone to have a bath (again in the neighboring camps)
- Seventy-two volunteer hair dressers.
Some of our members have held separate meetings and we are pleased to confirm the imminent shipment of
- Sixteen advisers with special experience in the sort of predicament you are facing.
- Two hundred brand new AK47 and about 2000 rounds of munition for each. (we prefer sending you this model since it is of Russian design – made in China on license. We hope you understand that these generous members can’t risk being pointed at if you should loose in the end.)
- Forty-eight sat-phones (unlimited plan)
- Eighteen crates of the latest LEGO classroom kit.
- A box of night scopes.
- 12000 MRE rations (Just toss the ones with pork)
- A field handbook for successful uprising (We’re shipping the Spanish translation too since we never thought of making an Arab edition)
We sincerely hope you will appreciate this and naturally we remain at your disposal should you need anything else.
On the issue of your demand for a no-fly zone, real boots on the ground and more (as per your section I “top priorities”): Unfortunately we cannot accommodate you on that at this time. Many of our members are embroiled in cut-throat elections and others are a bit stretched on personnel. Also, the very democracy model you crave is – alas – quite hypocrite when it comes to military engagements. Whereas your videos have created widespread outcries for decisive action, experience tells us that once our country men and women starts coming back in body bags, the very same who cried for action, takes to the streets to demand retreat (and unless we do so, they aren’t going to vote for us next time around).
We are confident you will understand.
From our source we also have the internal discussion and analysis paper that Obama’s staff worked on for his speech. The nine gigabyte usb key is almost full to the brim with this material and it will take us some time to go through it all. However, a few elements relative to the Syrian issue can already be made public:
On the line where he says:
… the United States has not and will not seek to dictate the outcome of democratic transitions abroad
Many pages of meeting transcripts, wiki links and unpublished video and other materials, are used to discuss the intelligence of the speech line. Apparently, most members of his staff opposed the phrasing in case someone should check it out.
If there is a cause that cries out for protest in the world today, peaceful protest, it is a regime that tortures children and shoots rockets at apartment buildings.
On this specific choice of words, it seems almost all members of his staff agreed. Several notes highlight the fact that it isn’t common – or even clever – to embark on military campaigns a few weeks before election day. Background material suggests that staff estimate the chance of Syrian rebels holding out for another several months to be “good”. There are no accompanying estimates of civil casualties as a result of the unfortunate clash in appointments on the calendar.
But you never know – really vigorous and strenuous protests may have been underestimated until now… On the other hand this was predictable as seen here.